The Seduction of Eros, Appraisal of the Matriarch and the Phallic gaze

Something has clicked for me recently about men, masculine development, and where we women often miss the mark. The past weeks have brought me deeper into what Bard and Söderqvist call the "phallic gaze"—and its essential role in the journey from boy to man.

What is the phallic gaze?

The phallic gaze is the vital drive for men generated by elder masculine leadership. It manifests through the holding masculine's relentless pursuit of deeper wisdom and integrity, and the creating masculine's commitment to building, protecting, and providing even better than those who walked before him.

The phallic gaze is the challenge and guidance provided by elder men to younger men that challenges them to leave boyhood behind and to truly become men, live purposeful lives, and contribute to something larger than themselves.

I believe we severely underestimate how crucial it is for men to have this eldership—to receive direction, inspiration, challenge, accountability, and motivation to become the best men they can be. I see so many women, myself included at times, deeply not understanding this importance. Instead, we want men to come closer to the feminine, to better understand our world.

While there's truth that many traditionally masculine functions are being automated by computers and AI—and that successful men will need to integrate feminine capacities to thrive in our increasingly networked world—there's an equally important truth we're overlooking: Men need the encouragement and strict accountability of older, stronger, and wiser men to make the journey from boy to man.

We live in a world of boys. Some men think they don't need elder men to guide them—that they can do it all themselves and know best. Others believe they don't need to put in the work required to both deserve and have the capacity to meet the feminine in her fullness.

But it is only a powerfully mature masculine that is able to meet the powerful feminine. A boyish man just wants the love of the feminine (mother) without having to prove himself worthy to the fierce matriarch. A mature man knows that the most epic experience in life is to fully show up and provide from his powerful masculine—because it is only then that he truly earns the respect from his brothers, is leading a life worth living and gets to dance in eros with the feminine.

And here's where we women often get it wrong: When we meet these boyish men with open arms—"Yes, come be in and around the feminine with us"—they simply remain boys. They never become men.

This backfires on us profoundly. Boys only long for the perfect mother, not the powerful feminine. It is only mature authentically powerful men who truly want us to stand in our radiant erotic intelligence, our fierce natural intelligence, and our deeply powerful mystic intelligence.

In a constructive, flourishing system, formal roles of leadership and power are held by the holding masculine (ensuring wisdom and clarity), the creating masculine (ensuring action), and the natural intelligence matriarch of the feminine (ensuring both masculine leaders are truly serving the greater whole). Meanwhile, the seduction of erotic intelligence and the intuition of mystic intelligence typically don't hold formal positions in the "outer official power" structure, but hold most of the power in the "inner intangible power structure" - the seduction of eros that is driving everything and the deep mycelium wisdom of the mystic intelligence that is weaving everything together. All of these nodes or fields of power keep the others in check and create an epic dance of creative tensions.

Boyish men who have not undergone the trials of proving to their elders that they are equipped and ready to lead will never be able to contribute the masculine leadership needed. They will also be the biggest opposers of the fierce matriarch and the most seductive and intuitive female leaders—because these women remind them, consciously or unconsciously, of the work they have not done and the eros and aliveness they will never receive from the feminine.

The easiest way for a man to remain a boy is to make the epic adult dance of feminine and masculine sinful or wrong. This explains the horrific systematic suppression of female sexuality and spiritual wisdom throughout our western history. The only expression of the feminine such a man can approve of is the unconditionally loving mother who never demands that he grow up.

The separation from mother must happen. And even if the seduction of eros is what the true masculine lives and leads in service of, this separation cannot happen through the feminine—it requires the phallic gaze, the masculine lineage, the mature male leaders who hold the standard and demand the journey of maturation.

I would love to hear how this lands with you.

Love,

Fanny